Self-Compassion: Being Kind To Yourself, Even When Life is Tough

It’s easy to be kind to the people we care about, to remind them that they're doing their best, and to offer encouragement when they’re down. But when it comes to ourselves, that same kindness can be surprisingly hard to find. When you're going through something difficult, it’s so easy to turn inward with blame or criticism. Maybe you’ve caught yourself thinking, “I’m not good enough,” or “If I had just done XYZ differently, this wouldn’t have happened.” Or maybe you’ve wanted something so badly, only to wonder why it still feels so difficult, and you start thinking something must be wrong with you. If any of that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. These kinds of thoughts are incredibly common, especially during challenging times. We're often our own harshest critics. This is where self-compassion comes in. Self-compassion is an evidence-based practice that helps build emotional resilience, foster healing, and shift the way we relate to our struggles. In this post, we’ll explore what self-compassion really means, why it matters, and how to start bringing more of it into your everyday life.

What Is Self-Compassion?

The word compassion comes from the Latin root "compassio," which means to "suffer with." It connotes a strong sense of empathy for others, as well as a desire to help ease their suffering. Self-compassion, therefore, is the act of having the same type of compassion for yourself that you would have for someone else. Pioneered by Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion is increasingly used as a tool in therapeutic settings.

As defined by Dr. Neff, there are three components of self-compassion: mindfulness, shared humanity, and kindness. To practice self-compassion, you mindfully acknowledge and accept the pain that you are in, allowing you to look at it from a new perspective that honors the reality of the situation. You also honor your humanness, recognizing that although everyone suffers differently, we all experience hardship, loss, and make mistakes, and these challenges can unite us. Finally, self-compassion requires treating yourself with kindness, as opposed to speaking harshly to yourself or ignoring your pain. (Source: https://self-compassion.org/)

How Can Self-Compassion Help?

As a therapist who works primarily with clients who are struggling with anxiety, adjusting to significant life changes, or are in the perinatal period, I have seen how powerful self-compassion can be in helping clients feel more confident, be kinder to themselves, and navigate challenging times with a greater sense of ease. All of these challenges can bring up a variety of emotions, from guilt, to sadness, to self-doubt. Self-compassion can help by:

• Reducing symptoms of postpartum anxiety and depression

• Creating realistic expectations for new phases of life

• Managing overwhelming emotions

• Coping with changes in identity and relationships

• Disrupting spirals of anxiety

• Encouraging flexibility

• Cultivating patience with yourself and others

• Feeling more present in the moment and being able to find joy in the everyday

Practicing Self-Compassion: Simple Tools to Try

When practicing self-compassion, it is important to remember that the goal is not to make the negative situation or feelings go away; the goal is to give yourself support and comfort in the midst of a challenge. With self-compassion, you mindfully acknowledge the difficulty of the moment, remind yourself that you are not along, and offer yourself kindness. Here are three of my favorite exercises for practicing self-compassion:

Self-Compassion Break

If it is available to you, place one or both hands on your heart. Feel your heart beat underneath your palms. Repeat these three phrases to yourself to correspond with the three elements of self-compassion:

1. "This is a moment of suffering" (mindfulness)

2. "Suffering is a part of life." (shared humanity)

3. "May I be kind to myself in this moment." (kindness)

Treat Yourself How You Would Treat a Friend

If you notice that your inner critic is particularly loud, or you're having difficulty being kind to yourself, ask yourself, "How would I treat a friend in the same situation?" Consider what you would say to them, what tone you would use, and how you would physically and emotionally show up for them to offer support. Now consider how you can respond to yourself in the same way. What changes for you?

Journaling

Writing can be a powerful tool for processing events through a self-compassionate lens. Everyday for one week (or however often feels doable for you), write about a challenging situation from the day using the three elements of self-compassion. Bring awareness to how you felt in the moment and write about these emotions in a factual, non-judgmental way (mindfulness). Write about how this moment connected you to others, and how it is a natural part of life (shared humanity). Using a gentle and reassuring tone, write yourself some words of comfort (kindness).

When Being Kind to Yourself Feels Hard

Self-compassion is a practice that takes time to cultivate. It's normal for it to feel difficult or even like you're lying to yourself at first. This can be particularly common if you have experienced trauma or would describe yourself as a perfectionist.

When I talk about self-compassion with clients, many of them express that they feel like they cannot be compassionate toward themselves because they do not want to "let themselves off the hook." They worry that they may lose motivation, enable behaviors that they want to change, or that they're being selfish. Self-compassion is none of these things. In fact, self-compassion has been shown to be a more effective motivator than self-criticism, and that it actually increases motivation and long-term change by allowing us to learn from our mistakes and feel more connected to others (source: https://self-compassion.org/).

Here is an example of shifting a self-critical thoughts toward a self-compassionate thought that still leads to changes in behaviors and perspectives.

Critical thought: "I'm such a bad mom. I should have changed the baby's diaper more frequently, and now it's my fault they have this horrible rash. None of my friends would have let this happen to their own babies. I can't let myself be so forgetful again."

Compassionate thought: "I'm feeling really tired and overwhelmed, and I forgot to change the baby's diaper before their nap. All new moms make mistakes. I'm still learning and will change their diaper more frequently moving forward."

Notice the difference here. The critical thought sounds harsh and is full of blame and absolutes. The compassionate thought acknowledges the mistake, while also offering space for the challenges of new motherhood and ideas for change in the future.

Final Thoughts

At the end of the day, self-compassion is about learning to be on your own side. It doesn’t mean pretending everything’s okay or brushing off your pain; it means recognizing that being human is messy sometimes, and that’s okay. We all struggle, we all fall short, and we all deserve kindness, especially from ourselves. The more we practice treating ourselves with the same care we’d offer someone we love, the more room we create for real healing and growth. Be gentle with yourself — you’re doing the best you can.

If you live in Massachusetts and are looking for a therapist to help you cultivate a sense of self-compassion, I’m currently accepting new clients. Feel free to reach out to schedule a consultation; I'd be honored to help you take the next step toward healing and growth.

Disclaimer: The content provided on this blog is for informational and educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional therapy, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this blog does not establish a therapeutic relationship. If you are in need of mental health support, please seek help from a licensed mental health professional.