"Why Am I So Angry?" Understanding and Managing Postpartum Rage

Picture this: It's 6:00pm, and your toddler is whining, your baby had a blowout, the dog is barking, dinner is burning, and your partner asks you a question you think they should already know the answer to. You feel yourself getting hot, and without even thinking, you "snap" - raise your voice, use a harsh tone, or slam a door because you've had it. Or, perhaps you hold it all in, feel like you're going to explode, and then once the kids are asleep, you doom scroll or cry in the shower. You ask yourself, "why am I so angry? This is the life I always dreamed of."

Does this sound familiar? Anger during the postpartum period is a common, yet often overlooked symptom of postpartum anxiety and depression. Commonly referred to as postpartum rage, it's a sense of overwhelming frustration about things that typically don't bother you. If you experience postpartum rage, know that you're NOT a bad mom, and there are ways to feel better.

What is Postpartum Rage?

About 50% of mothers with postpartum depression also report experiencing postpartum rage, an intense, often sudden anger that feels disproportionate to the situation (source). Physical symptoms include increased heart rate, feeling hot, chest tightness, and muscle tension. Emotional symptoms include anger, frustration, feeling "out of control," and feeling shame and regret.

Postpartum rage is not its own clinical diagnosis. Many new moms with postpartum anxiety and/or depression will also experience postpartum rage; however, experiencing postpartum rage does not necessarily mean one has PPA or PPD. If you experience postpartum rage in addition to sadness, low motivation, disturbances in sleep and appetite, constant worry, and feeling anxious or on-edge, you may also have postpartum anxiety or depression.

What Causes Postpartum Rage?

While everyone's experience with postpartum rage is individual, common underlying causes include:

• Sleep Deprivation: When you're running on little sleep, you're more likely to feel emotionally dysregulated.

• The Mental Load: The invisible labor of managing a household can lead to resentment.

• Hormonal Crashes: The massive drop in estrogen and progesterone post-birth impacts emotional regulation.

• Sensory Needs and Over-stimulation: Hunger, thirst, and feeling "touched out" can all contribute to a lower frustration tolerance.

Managing Postpartum Rage

The first step in managing postpartum rage is to get ahead of it. There are certainly skills that you can use in the moment to cool down (more on that below), but it's often really hard to remember to take deep breaths or drink a cold glass of water when your anger is a 10/10. Take some time to look back on when you felt the most angry over the past two weeks, if you had any moments when you snapped or felt like everything was just too much. What is similar about each of these instances? Notice if there's a particular time of day, activity, or unmet need that these have in common. Perhaps you're most likely to yell at your partner when you're rushing out to daycare drop off in the morning. Or maybe you feel most angry when you're completely touched out, and the last nursing session of the day makes you squirm. Or, you may notice that you feel like you're frustrated all day long when the baby is up multiple times the previous night.

Once you determine when you're most likely to feel full of rage, work backwards to add in breaks, partner support, and self-care, before you desperately need it. This might look like:

• Alternating with your partner who does bath time and bedtime

• Opting for an extended daycare pickup one day a week so you can squeeze in a workout or time for yourself

• Ensuring that you're hydrated and well fed - "hanger" is real!

• Taking deep breaths throughout the day, not just when you feel stressed

• Listening to a sleep meditation before bed

When you feel the mom rage starting, you can also use these 5 coping skills. All of these are evidence-based tools rooted in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT).

1. Grounding with the 5 senses - notice something you can see, hear, taste, touch, and smell. If one sense feels particularly overwhelming, focus on another (for example, count all of the blue things in the room, touch something soft, splash cold water on your face, drink a glass of lemon water or eat a sour candy).

2. Deep breathing - focus on longer exhales than inhales

3. "Name it to tame it" - name how you're feeling and why. For example, "I'm feeling overwhelmed because the dog is barking and the baby is screaming." Then, identify what you can do about it. For example, "I can drink a glass of water and remind myself that I'm doing a great job."

4. Take 3 deep breaths, name 3 things you can see, move 3 parts of your body

5. "Scaling" - Rate how you feel on a 1-10 scale, with 1 being completely calm and 10 being completely over-stimulated. Choose one thing to do either in the moment or later that day to bring the over-stimulation down by one point.

It's Okay to Ask for Help

Whether or not your postpartum rage is part of postpartum anxiety or depression, it's okay to seek help from a licensed therapist. If the rage is daily, if you are afraid of your own reactions, or if the shame is preventing you from enjoying your child, you may need some additional support. A therapist who specialized in perinatal mental health can help you identify your triggers and strengthen your frustration tolerance.

If you're in Boston, MA, and looking for support to manage postpartum rage, I am currently accepting new clients and would love to be part of your support system. Reach out to schedule a complimentary 15-minute intro call to learn more about how we can work together.

Disclaimer: The content provided on this blog is for informational and educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional therapy, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this blog does not establish a therapeutic relationship. If you are in need of mental health support, please seek help from a licensed mental health professional.